My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
