mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
