I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
