I cannot find my penis.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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