So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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