I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
