The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
