a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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