Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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