Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
