Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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