I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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