i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
