If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
