We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Randomize
