I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Still dying that you shit outside
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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