Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
worst night to have a conscience
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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