oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
