I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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