Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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