so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
