You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
