He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
