I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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