Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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