I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
