Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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