It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
