Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
