I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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