So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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