I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
