This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
