Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
it's like iHOP with fire
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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