she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
