she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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