Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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