is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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