My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
