sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
