Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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