the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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