I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
