I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
