Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
