you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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