You're earring is so big in my mouth
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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