Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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