I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
We are all done wearing pants today
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
