you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
